The doctor said, I should be expecting on any day in May 2017. It was 11 May 2017(Thursday). I went to the hospital to get checked up by a gynaecologist (with great reputation in the neighbourhood) at my in-laws place who didnt see through my pregnancy(I am not comfortable at all with new people whom-so-ever). The past 9 months’ check up was a joyable trip. The credit might go to the hospital or the doctor. I was waiting in the hall and then got called inside her cabin. I went inside the cabin, there were two other women waiting for her. I am in queue as third person. The doctor was already there seeing one of the women and I saw how she treated that woman. It felt GROSS! I might have been mistaken or might not have been. The woman seemed like an uneducated, ignorant housewife. I was wondering why is she not speaking up for herself? May be she is confident that she is being treated right because it’s the doctor who is treating her. What if she really treated me the way I feel uncomfortable? Would I speak out? No I wouldn’t(why? Because I don’t speak out much) Now, this didn’t make me any different from that woman (Did it?), despite holding Masters.

Speaking out normal things as weird isn’t any weirder. Speaking out now might help somebody speak out too. Nobody cares to know the thoughts runninng in our mind unless we care to give them a voice. Just push them out in any mode(Speak, Write, Act etc).

Speak and Stay Cold. Let the situation around take its course of action(Like “No means No”. Thats it. No need of justification to be followed.

I just got lucky that day and got my bump scanned. The doctor said “You have very less amniotic fluid in the sac, so we need to get the baby out. So choose a day in next 5 days and come back prepared for the delivery”.

The day we chose is 16 May 2017. We chose a room. The operation is at 4 pm. That day was the first time other than in movies that I have seen the serious side of hospital. Since childhood we( me and my brother) went to hospital just a couple of times. Every time it seemed like doing some breathing exercise into the stethoscope of a smiling amicable doctor. Then he gave some cute round pills and some tonic. Our parents never took us to hospital on any other contexts.

All the morning I was so excited to know who would it be “A girl” or a “A boy”( I wished for a girl). At 4 30 pm, a nurse came to our room and took me to start the procedure. Still excited. The nurse led me to a room to change my attire and remove the accessories on me(including my spectacles) to get ready for the operation. For the record, I am still the mummy’s little girl(At the end of the day, aren’t we all?). After this step, my mother was not allowed(I already felt lost). Then I was led into a big room which I had seen only in movies, never in real life. I could see only blurred image(as they took away my specs) of operation theatre-doctors in white coats with masks, fat nurses in uniform, green bed, all the trays with I thought some tools. Whats happening or going to happen!

I dont want the baby to come outside. All I want to do now is scream out for my mother, get out of there and go back to the time before 9 months. I felt the room like I am in some dream where they have taken my body into their control. I can’t turn around and run. Then I took myself onto the bed. Then thoughts started popping in my head.

I was feeling stupid for not foreseeing such a situation. What was I thinking? Actually I was thinking of nothing about coming out. I just pictured, on this date, he would pop out onto my hand and I would say “Hi, Welcome” and kiss everywhere. Magically, my bump would be flattened. Never have I thought I would go through this much before the picture turns into reality.

I am on the bed now. I closed my eyes. I dont want to see any of it. NOTHING. I was chanting “JAI HANUMAN”. I was injected with an anesthetic. The doctor said that I can open my eyes. I firmly said “I DONT WANT TO”. After few minutes, I heard the cry. I am supposed to be happy and forget whatever depressing stuff happening inside my brain. But I am not. The doctor said “Its a boy”. Again, I am not excited to hear that as I am supposed to be. But I just prayed god that very moment “God, please make sure he is healthy and safe (and fair) ”. My eyes still closed.

After the operation, I am transferred to another room where people can visit us(me and the kid). My eyes still closed. I can hear voices and noise. But I couldn’t hear my mother’s voice. My aunt came to me and asked me to look at my son. I couldn’t open my eyes until I hear my mother’s voice. I was just muttering “Mummy, Mummy … “. Then I heard her voice. She touched me and felt her, then I opened my eyes. I asked her “You have prepared me for everything which I dont foresee, why didnt you prepare me for this?” I was angry at her for this reason for 2 straight days(Though she doesn’t know). Then closed my eyes again.

I haven’t opened my eyes for straight 36 hrs. I didnt see and hold my kid. I didn’t sleep. I didn’t talk with anybody. But I heard people coming and going, talking to each other. All that was going in my mind is “I will hate my mother for this forever for not preparing me despite the closest bondwe share. This will end, I will walk normally again, I will be normal and painless again. I dont think I would feel bad or get depressed or feel low or sorrowful for anything that I might face in the future because every problem would seem petty compared to the situation I am in. How come no woman in my life with a kid seemed to share such a thing! Did they think its just natural and forgot the day!”(Because I couldnt even after 5 years!).

Jai’s Second Day Pic

I have held and seen the kiddo (as I have pictured) after this 36 hours. And at that moment I felt nothing! My brain which had been through this, suddenly felt numb looking at his face. He doesn’t know anything. My thoughts, pain etc. Nothing. He was just staring at my face with those black little eyes, getting quizzical by frowning the eyebrows(might be wondering, who is this woman? Is she going to be my mother for this life? I don’t sense confidence in her! 😆). Hence, everything got redefined in my life here after(Another story on this in the future).

Prior to this day, I would get ecstatic whenever I see a pregnant woman as she is carrying a cute little thingy inside and she has that glow. After this day, till today and dont know how long it will haunt me, whenever I see a pregnant woman, this incident gets played in front of my eyes, I feel the blood rushing in my nerves, I get panic, my fingers and toes go cold and numb, feels like sitting down and closing my eyes. If somebody comes to me to share the good news with some sweets, the immediate thing I do is make some stupid excuse and run away from there and find some peaceful place to sit and relax. I can’t even congratulate her. Later I message her, making some lame excuse for not doing it before.

This story is not to frighten anybody. I might be the only soul on this entire planet to feel this way. I am here to share my perspective of the story so that it might be useful to some woman who are unprepared like me. Many women might have embraced the process like Queen Elizabeth II(Though I haven’t met any in my small group of women). I would really appreciate woman who have embraced it put some comment below (Just curious to know!). Kudos to such women.

Software Developer, Mother, Reader, Writes Journal, A big fan of Habit Forming